No one knows it, but I have been trying to post a message for two days. What keeps holding me up? Life. I start to type a sentence and Jordis wants to attack the computer. I try to give her a toy to distract her, but she tosses it and comes in for the kill. Each word I type gets deleted or the page is reversed or she tries to stand on the keyboard and locks up the keys.
I was all excited 2 days ago about working on some creative writing, but now it’s midnight Friday and my very long post was deleted since I wasn’t able to get back to my computer in time to save it. As I was looking for the name of the website I wanted to share with you, she (Jordis) needed a diaper change. Then, she was getting fussy and needed feeding. Then, she heard a noise and I took her to check it out: my friends were in the kitchen banging around with silverware coming out of the dishwasher. Then, I don’t know what happened… somehow, I ended up making dinner, washing her bottles, putting in a load of laundry and putting her to bed.
By that time, I was too tired to write, so I thought I’d pick it up the next day. Well, here I am at midnight just getting the opportunity after everyone in the house is asleep. And I still have a load of laundry to get out of the dryer.
What I was writing about yesterday morning was the fact that once married and raising a baby, I have no real time for myself. If I get a moment alone, like when Jordis is asleep (and I should be, too), I spend it trying to accomplish some task that I can’t get done when she’s awake.
Since the falling from the bed incidents, I don’t even leave her alone very long when she’s asleep. I may run to get a bowl of Cheerios and then run back to the room. I’m often locked down with just her in the bedroom all day. She wakes, she eats, she plays, she poops, she dances, she bounces, she pees, she eats, she watches Price Is Right (loves to see them spin the wheel), by some miracle, she may take a nap longer than 20 minutes…but rarely. So I’m on the go during most of her waking hours – about 8:30am until 9:30pm. When my husband comes home in the afternoon, he’s tired from his job (sometimes two jobs) so he just wants to eat and sleep. Otherwise, he’s down in his man-cave working on something. He’s a tailor trying to get established in a new town, so his evenings are always busy.
Well, point is, I don’t get a break to just do something for me. Now, here in the wee hours of the night and morning, Jordis may wake up 2 to 3 times to eat or she’s tossing and turning due to her teething and I must soothe her back to sleep; and before you know it, it’s morning and my husband is up getting ready for work which wakes me up and by the time I start to fall asleep again, Jordis punches in and starts her work day!
It’s no walk in the park, I tell ya. I’m wired all the time, trying to fight off the weight gain, but with no motivation. I feel like I’ve lost myself. With the responsibilities of marriage and children, I’ve given up my independence, of course, but also the little things that brought me joy: waking up naturally, lingering over a cup of tea on the sofa, sitting in the garden in my pajamas meditating about my day and my future, going for strolls after dinner (in Italy) and gazing at the stars. Now, those are luxuries.
But what’s bothered me most is that I don’t have time to write creatively. No poetry, no stories, no novels… everything is just in limbo, waiting for that day when I have a little time.
I thought it would never come, but as I had Jordis distracted for a few minutes with a musical keyboard, I checked my emails and opened up a message from one of my newsletter subscriptions on freelance writing, http://www.worldwidefreelance.com, and found a link to free creative writing exercises at www.writingvacation.com/exercises and wow! what a feeling!
With just one exercise, I feel like a writer again. The exercise is the second creative piece I’ve written in about a year. Though I subscribe to several blogs and newsletters, I only have time to scan through them looking at writing opportunities I would like to pursue when I get the time. I love Hope Clark’s FundsForWriters website. I’ve been subscribing for several years now. Back in the day, I constantly entered tons of contests and absorbed everything she had to say. These days, it takes weeks, if not months, to open up the emails. By then, deadlines have expired, contests are over and some agents are no longer accepting new clients. Still a day late and a dollar short in the pursuit of a writing career.
But the WritingVacation sends exercises that you are free to do in your own time and that works for me. The idea of joining in such a non-threatening writing community and receiving input from impartial readers got me all agitated and excited, waking me up with thoughts of poetry on the first day. So that’s what I want to add to The Creative Spot today. It was taking a long sentence, stretching it out, changing the position of the main idea and then adding additional thoughts to make the sentence more interesting. I found the process intriguing and I like what I wrote.
So anyway, that’s my joy this evening, er, this morning. Very soon, I hope to be writing again. Yes, I know I have this blog and I really want to explore every area of it to increase my skill and of course, to grow readership. But as every writer knows, we also want to see our work in print. It’s a childhood goal that I would like to reach in my lifetime with work beyond self-publishing or as a contributor among hundreds. (Though I’m proud to have had the experience of both, I am so interested in having a mainstream novel in print. No pseudonyms, no ghost writers, just me and my ideas…)
Anyway, the darkness will soon give way to light and I’ll have missed my opportunity for some shut-eye. We’ll chat later.